In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps ~ Proverbs 16:9

I've been getting a lot of kuddos lately and folks are often mentioning that my blog is great, yadda yadda and that reading it makes them feel like I am talking right to them.  I'm often encouraged to write a book.  Just this weekend I saw my elderly aunt Phyllis who said I was "quite a writer" which came as quite a surprise.  1) I had no idea she was reading my blog and 2) it is sprinkled with profanity.   Not knowing what "quite a writer" meant coming from my 90 year old Lutheran organist aunt, I held her compliment in my mind alongside other nebulous descriptors like "interesting", "unique" and "amazing".  However, when she left the party that evening she whispered in my ear to keep writing and said she liked my "strong words".  It seems that no matter their age or station, people appreciate the honesty with which I describe my situation.  From your comments I know that many of you enjoy experiencing the cancer journey vicariously from my insider's perspective.  While it may sound that I'm suggesting you enjoy rubbernecking on my experience, that's not exactly what I mean.  


I believe there is a fundamental fascination we have as human beings when there is an accident or tragedy unfolding in front of us ~ we watch because it's fascinating and we keep watching because of the important questions that are triggered inside of us that need answering.  We watch because it isn't us.  Yet as we get older and wiser we understand that it could easily have been us and might be us the next time.  As I watch the crisis in Japan I hear a myriad of questions about our own preparedness, security, personal safety and planning swirling all around.  The opportunities for anxiety mount and are many.  Yet so too are the opportunities for my strength and God's grace to show themselves.  


When I am on the outside looking in on someone else's tragedy, the questions I ask myself are "how does he/she do it every day?", or "would I be able to do what they are doing?", or "would my faith get me through?"   As you watch Team Conrad I wonder what your questions are and I hope and pray that you are not backing away from looking at them.  There is so much to learn about yourself and God.    


Now that I am on the inside those hypothetical questions of mine are getting real time answers.  "It is what it is", a fundamental Truth I accepted long before Phil got cancer.  I do whatever is in front of me every day because honestly, how else does one get through life?  By doing what isn't?  By trying to make things happen that are out of one's control?  By pushing a rock uphill and just wishing for things to be different than they are?  I strive to be fully responsible for my choices in life thank you very much, but, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps" Proverbs 16:9.  Having said that, I graciously lay it all at the foot of Christ to get through the day.


Dan Millman in Way of the Peaceful Warrior says " Every positive change--every jump to a higher level of energy and awareness--involves a rite of passage. Each time to ascend to a higher rung on the ladder of personal evolution, we must go through a period of discomfort, of initiation. I have never found an exception."  That has been my absolute experience so why should this rite of passage be any different.  I fully expect to come out the other side of this crucible wiser, stronger and definitely more aware.  I already am in a myriad of ways.


One thing is for sure.  I could never write just any book.  It would have to be a memoir.  To create characters and give them life and personality and create a story and plot lines and dialog... probably not going to happen.  I'll stick to what I know how to do ~ talk about what is happening in my life, my mind and my heart.  To write about the examined life I live and to encourage you in living yours similarly.  But my story isn't finished yet and I've no idea how it will turn out.  Until I do there will be no book, only these musings and  writings.  I trust that I will know when it is finished, but until then, there is nothing like knowing oneself intimately and giving of yourself, loving freely and vulnerably.  May God continue to direct my steps on that path, and you in walking on yours.




post script  
The Conrad brother's, Jamie, Phil and David will be traveling to Stone Harbor, New Jersey this weekend to spend some family time with their mother Margaret and their father, James Conrad, SR. who has entered hospice care for end-stage prostate cancer.  Please keep the entire family in your prayers as they travel and meet together to share fellowship this one last time.