Thursday, March 3, 2011

Far from Perfect

Thank you for the comments, your texts and to those of you who called since the last post.  For the rest of you, I am feeling better today.  Although there are moments when I am completely spent and want no more part of this entire business, they are only moments and once I have expressed the pent up frustrations and emotions then I do indeed feel better for awhile.  My emotional silo becomes full and, like a pressure valve on high, needs to be purged in order for the rest of me to function properly.  Regularly bleeding off steam just has to happen and it can come in the form of acupuncture, exercise, spa treatments, crying jags or the tried and true pity party.  This last one seemed to take life down a notch, for now, and that's all I can ask for. 


I try to deal with my emotional life as it comes but it sure gets hard to name every feeling, process it in real time and find a place inside to hold it.  See, I've got this Teutonic (read German) brain and that means I am blessed/plagued with a mind that must have order dammit and must have precision dammit in order to feel at ease in the world and within myself (I know, get on the couch...been there!).  Without this essential scaffolding in place, there is room for that sneakiest of sneaks to creep in, anxiety.  If you can claim any genes from this vast Anglo-Saxon pool to which I refer then you might recognize these tendencies in yourself. I'm grossly generalizing I know, but I personally thank the marauding Germanic hordes for my psychological OCD -- you may have some indigenous lowland cow herd or metalsmith to pay homage to.  Gesundheit!


No, you say?  Perhaps you're more of a nurture vs nature person.  No matter, there's evidence of dysfunction all around.  Walk into any Barnes and Noble and you'll find an extensive self-help section on the subject.  If books aren't your thing I'm sure there's an app for it for your smart phone or iPad.  My point is that I'm far from perfect.  What I knew from experience as I threw my little pity party was that after the party was over I'd still be dealing with my hard wired issues.  So, now I'm back at it, shoulder to the wheel to learn new ways of being, responding, receiving my life, albeit amidst a bit of a maelstrom at times.  This emotional OCD business doesn't work for me, it never has, in fact it beats the crap outta me.  Life doesn't fit neatly into a box because life isn't neat -- at least mine isn't.  And I hate to point out the obvious, but future neatness doesn't look promising either.  


As Phil heads into part 2B of chemo again next week, right on the heels of surgery and all the crap complications from chemo 2A, I know he'd love to hear that all is right in my world but hey, I distinctly remember part of our marriage vows saying something about promising to disappoint each other.  I'm claiming that one right here and now and taking it all the way to the bank.  But I also vowed to be there in sickness.  It is true, we are both depleted, and none more profoundly and completely than Phil.  This is hard territory -- trying to have our needs met while finding that balance between being the spouse, raising children and seeing to the self without losing compassion, grace and identity.  A tall order which requires everything of us.  There are children watching.  There are characters being formed.  There are lives at stake.  

5 comments:

  1. kisses and hugs with love
    denise

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  2. I know this German kind of brain you are talking about....lots of love and hugs to you - hang in there - I can only imagine how hard it's been for you. Love, Uli

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  3. Sally, dear, dear Sally, in the midst of all of this crappiola you are mucking through, you, as individuals and you as a family are building memories...filling photo albums, blogs, days, nights with memories of this life you are sharing...in all the gunk, force yourself to stop a few times a day to look closely at the love that surrounds you...from Phil, from the kids, your other family members near and not so near, and from your gazillion friends. Some years down the road you might look back on this time and see it through a softer veil--a veil that might only reflect the gentle moments, the times when you moved gallantly and easily through certain phases, the moments when you held Phil to reassure both of you that you would, indeed, get through this together...you will barely remember the occasional pity party or the exhausting nights of tossing and turning...this veil, not unlike the gausy veil of childbirth ("it was nothing...I pushed, she was born...that's all there was to it...") will be your salvation. Meanwhile, build those memories and throw those pity parties with complete abandon...let it all out and know without question that you are loved.

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  4. Sally - Looking forward to seeing you and your family in mid March with Phil's high school friends - take some time for yourself when we're there - you deserve it - can't wait to meet your children and toss a baseball w/Bennett and possibly go for a bike ride with Olivia - Is there anything you would like to do w/me - go clubbing, a walk on the beach - whatever - pls let me know what I (we) can do while were in CA. As always I support you and your family during this trying period - with love, Jim Kramer jameskrames@sbcglobal.net

    630 207 4733 - don't hesitate to call w/whatever I can help you with

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  5. Thanks friends. Your words are balm for my wounds and manna from heaven! Your perspectives are very helpful, truly. I appreciate the differing ways in which you each know me and the effect your comments have on my thinking about my circumstances.

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