Saturday, December 6, 2014


For a while now I've had ideas, stories and observations/reflections go through my mind that I've considered writing down.  I've missed sharing my thoughts here with Team Conrad and yet, I've become so protective of my privacy and that of my children.  Our grief has been a shared experience in so many ways and I haven't felt comfortable chronicling it publicly.  And so, I stopped writing.

Funny thing though, I bought myself a new laptop recently and it's pushed me toward writing again.  It feels positive, exciting and if I'm honest with myself, overwhelming.  I have high standards and will compare whatever comes next with what came before.  Conrad Family Chronicles was something special.  It was an event, a lifeline, and a memoir.  

But this I know too ~ if I relax and release all my high expectations and anxious concerns for what this next endeavor will look like it will be fine, authentic and mine.  It probably won't stay Conrad Family Chronicles but that will reveal itself in time, as if that were important.  What counts is that feeling I had when I was writing every day, connecting with myself, connecting with others, and talking about the people and things that matter to me.  

So You Want To Be A Writer

if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

~ Charles Bukowski