Chill Pill

With all the prescriptions and medications Phil has been given, this may be the hardest pill he's had to swallow.  Waiting.   


He's been asked to wait at least 3 weeks to start his next round of chemotherapy.  He was supposed to start today in fact, but his sinuses just aren't ready for this regimen's portion of chemo, methotrexate and ARA-C.  Dr. Mansfield examined Phil last week and found too much swelling and infectious residue to sign off on treatment at this point and asked him and Dr. Kossman to wait at least 2 weeks.  The 3 week point was chosen because Mansfield won't be back in town until then and we all want him around in case anything goes south during treatment.  Having been around this block a few times we've learned it's a good thing to have the best people in place, just in case.  So, 3 weeks it will be.


Now you might think that Phil would be singularly happy about having 3 weeks to take a break and have a breather.  I would have thought so too.  To be perfectly transparent, since it means that I get a break as well, I am totally fine with it, but he's not thrilled.  But before I go questioning him I have to remember that I'm not the one with cancer in my body - in my bones and in my blood.  He's got the ever present reminder within him and despite his fatigue and the rigors, wounds and inconveniences of battle, most days he just wants to get on with it and see it to the finish.  His lives a dichotomous life right now, desperately needing to rest and replenish in order to live, yet wanting to take the fight to the disease (within himself) which knows no rest.  


So, is there really ever any rest for him?  For his mind or his spirit?  Maybe for the body there is when he's laid up or recovering from surgery.  But what about his mind?  What happens when one let's up in there, or in one's spirit?  I don't really know, having never fought for my life.  I do know that Phil, despite recovering a herculean amount of strength and stamina, is still often profoundly fatigued and the reason isn't always clear.


Today we have his brother Jamie and family coming to visit and "the buddy's" from high school, Brad Bruckman, Tim Spence, Jim Kramer and Jon McCauley are coming in another week.  God doesn't makes mistakes and since His timing is perfect I can't wait to see what will happen for Phil during this time.  It makes perfect sense for him to relax and really enjoy this time with them.  The sinuses will heal, I don't have any concerns about that.  But we all need a breather, all of us.  Whether we know how to handle it or whether we welcome it, it's here.  I for one have so much to do and get caught up on that having friends and family here could streamline that.  I'm looking forward to fresh faces around, to stories and laughter.  I can't wait for the inevitable falling in love that my kids do with Dad's friends and vice-versa.   And I really look forward to Phil forgetting for a while that he's sick.  That's what this waiting could be all about and that would be just fine.