Monday, December 6, 2010

Keepsakes

While decorating our tree last night my kids accidentally broke one of my oldest ornaments.  It was a simple red ball that had my name and the year '68 painted on it.   If I have the story right, back in the day when my dad was working at XRAY Medical Group as a radiation therapist, one of his partner's wives painted a bunch of them with our names and the year on it and gave them out as a small Christmas keepsake.  I think it was Peggy Elliot if I'm not mistaken.  

In all the excitement that decorating the tree brings, the ornament was just the first of several casualties.  Unfortunately, our ceramic Darth Vader would lose an arm and Yoda would shatter to more pieces than is humanly possible to put back together after meeting with the marble flooring we normally find quite attractive.

When the ornament broke something inside me broke open as well.  I was definitely not prepared for it.  At first I was mad at the kids for breaking it.  I was kinda primed anyway ~ I had, drum roll please.... "unfulfilled expectations".  I really wanted a special family time doing this. Although Phil had been helping me get the tree ready to decorate, he'd really been splitting his time between that and the Steelers game.  You know, putting the lights on between plays and commercials.  Basically, he was appeasing me when he really would have rather been totally into his Steelers/Ravens do-or-die-game-for-a-bye-chance-at-the-playoffs deal but he helped me instead.  

So, here I was spring loaded with my expectations of a beautiful tree-trimming experience as I launched into explaining to my kids why I was sad about the ornament when someone made a flippant comment and I heard Phil mention the game off to the side. I totally lost it!!  Now, before you make any snap judgments about the situation or come down on anyone's side in this little family drama, let me finish the story and say that all my feelings up to now evaporated when I suddenly realized that what I was feeling underneath ALL OF THIS was profound sadness.  My eyes brimmed with tears and I had to leave the room.

Well, the kids started asking where I was and their Dad told them to go apologize to me.  At that I told him that it was him I needed to talk to.  He appropriately responded with, "Me?  What did I DO!?"  Poor guy, didn't even know what hit him.  When he came to me in the next room I was fully crying by now.  What I told him was this.  The little red ornament was a small keepsake but what I realized when it broke was that HE is the real keepsake for all of us and I am feeling uncertainty about where he will be next Christmas.  That is what drives my desire to make each day together meaningful.  He responded that he plans on being with us next Christmas.  I agreed and so while that is our desire, the uncertainty is something we will continue to wrestle with and need to talk about.  

When we walked back out to finish trimming the tree I gathered the kids to me and told them the real reason I was upset about the ornament breaking - because I was sad about Daddy but that it showed me that I loved them and our family more than ever.  Both kids cried and Bennett said how sad he was that Yoda was broken beyond repair and Olivia talked about feeling left out when we left the room to go talk.  I believe there are deeper messages here and that we are just beginning to see the grief work we need to do.  For me, I am increasingly thankful for the coming of Christmas ~ for the messages of the songs, the scriptures and for the promise of our Savior.  

Our tree turned out beautifully, so beautifully in fact, that Bennett recommended we call the Guinness Book of World Records to have them come take a picture for most beautiful tree ever.  I couldn't agree more and will remember this one for a long time to come.




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6 comments:

  1. Sally,

    Thank you for sharing these incredibly personal moments so that we the reader can benefit from your "teaching moments". At these busy holiday times it is so awesome to take time to remember what is really important!

    Your tree is beautiful and so are you!

    ~Roxanne

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  2. it is a wonderful tree
    and a good story of family
    xxxxxxx denise

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  3. It was the Saltstein's party and my kids (adults) are not allowed to touch mine!! Josh and I have had the same conversation about this Christmas Love you more than words can convey


    T

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  4. What a gift (as always) your words are Sally. I love your tree and the ribbon wrapped around it made me instantly think of the way all of you have formed Team Conrad and all the loving arms you have around your family hugging and holding all of you during this time, and what God does for us always. Sending love and prayers each day. We are claiming and praying that Phil will be here next Christmas and many more in the future.
    Love to all of you,
    Jenn, Jeff, and Alexa Joy

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  5. it's a beautiful tree and an even more beautiful message and you made me cry

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  6. I am crying too... and you are all precious, precious people!

    Treasure each moment, and hang on to each other and the Lord..... we are all praying, loving and sending "warm fuzzies" your way.

    Oh, and by the way (in my softest stage voice), "go Steelers"....

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