Light in the Darkness

This is the quietest this blog has been since it's inception.  There isn't much new to report regarding Phil.  Don't get me wrong, the way the man continues to amaze has become routine and almost blase.  He's building strength and improving every day.  Just this morning he got up before the kids, emptied the dishwasher, loaded it again, and then got them up and helped them get ready for school.  


I don't know about you, but in our household, this is no small feat.  Waking our children in the wee hours of the morning is a risky proposition and not for the faint of heart or for the energy-challenged.  Personally, I usually have a cuppa joe prior just to steel myself for the task.  But Phil?  Not him.  He just marched in cold turkey and did the deed.  He took no prisoners and made it happen.  Yeah, he's coming back online for sure. What's most amazing (and actually challenged my pride a bit, I gotta confess) is that there was no whining. The alpha male is back in action.  Praise Jesus and all He stands for.  I think my pride will survive.


The main reason there's been no communique from moi has everything to do with moi.  I believe I've said it before but it bears repeating.  When Phil does better, I tend to do worse.  Or at least for a while I do worse.  This last week was a crucible and a gauntlet that had to be gone through but like all crucibles and gauntlets, it hurt like hell but I am the better for it having come out the other side.


For all you migraineurs out there all I have to do is mention the word migraine and I have your complete understanding of what I went through last week.  (Non-migraineurs just imagine having the worst headache of your life on one side of your head, right behind your eye, with some degree of nausea and a complete lack of energy, apathy really, for about 6 days).  Combine that with ineffective medication, sleep deprivation secondary to dealing with my children's night terrors and grief reactions and you have the essence of the fog I found myself in.  Unfortunately it didn't stop there.  What migraineurs also know is that there is often a depressive element that comes from being so incapacitated by pain and from living in such an altered state for that length of time.  It was a dark, long and lonely week.  


The hardest part about it all?  Continuing to be chief cook and bottle washer.  Being mom, wife, nurse, chauffeur, cleaner, cook, laundress, teacher, disciplinarian, comforter.  Did I leave anything out?  Oh yeah, being me!  I had a feeling I didn't have much reserve in me but after this past week, I now know in no uncertain terms that I have no reserve.  It's not an indictment of anyone or a judgment.  It just is what it is, a sad statement of fact about the ravages of cancer on the family and the care givers.  So, not only wasn't I capable of writing the blog, but I was also taking a few days rest.  Besides, what was there to write about at that point?


Well, then came Sunday.  I asked Phil to come to church with me and we headed to Newbreak, a church I feel fed by and Bennett enjoys for the kids worship.  Lately the kids will say "I don't want to go to church" but then they have a great time.  This Sunday was no exception.  I told them I needed to go to feed my soul and feel the light of God and I was happy they and Daddy were coming with me.


The sermon was called "Avoiding the Beat Down" and was basically about how to avoid becoming beat down by the battle with the evils in this world.  It was a Halloween theme but I could see all the ways God was talking to my soul - about not being beat down by migraines, being chief cook and bottle washer, by my responsibilities to Phil and my kids, not being beat down by cancer.

After the service I asked Phil if he'd like to receive prayer up front from the prayer team and he agreed.  A bit of a surprise since he's been on a bit of a spiritual journey of late and I didn't know what he'd say.  We went up front and talked with Mike, the pastor who called over an elder, anointed Phil with oil, prayed and quoted James 5:14 , "Is any of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord." It was a powerful prayer time and both of us were blessed by it.

When it came time to pick up Bennett from kids worship, he handed me a certificate, very nonchalantly.  When I asked him what it was, he said, "I gave my heart to Jesus today".  It was a Certificate of Salvation they gave out to commemorate the day.  His teacher came over to me and said how excited he was for Bennett and how choked up he always gets for the kids when their names are written in The Book of Life.  Bennett came over and whispered to me that the teachers wanted all the kids to say a prayer together but he couldn't wait and said his silently in his heart while they were all waiting.  So typical!!  I love that boy even with all his impatience.

I had just been talking with my sister Anita about this very thing - what God is up to behind the scenes that we can't see.  What He will do with all this suffering, with Phil's cancer battle, with the story of Phil's amazing recovery from this horrible infection.  How will God use these experiences to further His kingdom and to bring glory to his name?  Because God doesn't waste anything.

As we were walking out on our way to the car I started crying.  I was so happy!  My son came into the Kingdom of God and has started a relationship with the God of the universe.  Right now, while he is so vulnerable, he has Jesus in his heart.  He asked me why I was crying and I told him how happy I was that we'd be seeing each other in heaven.  And that I knew it was well with his soul.  He smiled at me and gave me a big hug and said "It's gonna be OK Mom."  God fed my soul and then some yesterday and claimed victory over the darkness once again.