It's Monday morning now and it's clear that the vacation is over. Life is a gift, let us live and love accordingly.
I received horrible news last night that a lifelong dear friend of my family had died suddenly and unexpectedly, leaving behind a wife and two daughters in their early 20's. He was in his early 60's, a surfer and runner and very full of life. He, like Phil, wasn't supposed to die young. And he, like Phil, was one of the really good guys. He loved the Lord and made the world a better place by being in it.
Now his wife and daughters will embark on the journey the kids and I are on - learning to live without a husband and father they thought would be there. Diving deeper into a faith they've only begun to plumb the depth of. And coming to terms with the edges of themselves that are raw and uncomfortable and need grace and mercy in the most difficult of moments when they are fatigued, overwhelmed, grieving and missing their loved one.
But having walked this road ahead of them I know a few other things they will find on their journey as well. They will find good Samaritans who will feed and cook for them, wash their laundry, clean their house, take care of needs they don't even know they have. They will find peace and comfort in memories and in the letters and cards that come their way. God will comfort them with deep refreshing sleep that defies explanation given the circumstance. And He will provide sweet moments of relief from the pain in the form of joy for old friends reconnecting and reunions with loved ones to shoulder the burden of sorrow.
As I dropped my kids off at school this morning they were so eager to run off to share their vacation experiences with their friends. I hadn't told them about our friend's passing yet. There will be time for that this afternoon. I wanted them to have their day today. For me, I have had a different attitude toward life for a while now and this just solidifies it. I agree whole-heartedly with my sister Anita who says she has no more naïveté thinking everyone is going to live a long life. There have been too many early deaths in our circle.
Life is a precious gift. Let us live and love accordingly.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
The Burgh
The kids and I just returned from what they are calling the vacation of a lifetime. We spent six days in Pittsburgh for a celebration and memorial of Phil's life followed by almost two weeks in Orlando to enjoy "the happiest place on earth" as well as Universal Studios and the wild beauty of the St John River and the promise of gators. The entire trip was a sacred, healing and outrageously fun time for us and was filled with moments of emotional connection and communion with the friends who loved Phil so well. Each of us was deeply affected by our time spent with those friends and I am so grateful, on behalf of my children especially, for the stories, love and affirmation that were poured into us.
Our time in Pittsburgh was exactly as I hoped it would be. There were not too many tears but instead numerous good stories were shared and I had the chance to meet a lot of the people from Team Conrad whom I'd come to love over the last year. Rob Hamilton and Jeff Breland's eulogy's were eloquent and individually captured the spirit of friendship they shared with Phil. And the video montage that Brad Bruckman put together encapsulated the times of Phil's life wonderfully - hearing Phil speak at the end took me by such surprise that I was immediately besought with tears. It was both a gift and a sad reminder of what we've lost.
I lost count of the times I heard people comment on how much Bennett looks and acts like Phil. Of how he has Phil's vibrant spirit and character. As his mother it made me proud and overjoyed for him to hear this and I loved seeing him beaming as he heard it repeated over and over again throughout the parish hall. And Olivia, quiet and contemplative by my side, missed nothing as she heard every compliment about her beauty and gentleness. The "buddies" as Phil called the guys who went on yearly trips together, made sure she heard what a miracle her dad thought she was and how much love he held in his heart for his special girl. It was love, love and more love.
As some of us gathered later to share leftovers, raise glasses in Phil's honor and continue sharing stories, the tears shed were more of laughter than anything else. Phil left quite a few whoppers behind and gave us ample material to work with. And, as if it were ever in question, he has the best friends. In the midst of coming together to mourn the too-soon passing of their dear friend, they were also having a really good time being together and celebrating this place called Edgewood that gave them a sense of shared identity, belonging, community, and connection. Be it comparing a Vinnie Pie to Mineo's pizza or rehashing the latest Pen's game against the Flyers, these Pittsburghers are the real deal - they bleed black and gold for sure. And to a person, they love life, they loved Phil and they let us know again and again how much he loved us.
Bennett commented that he felt like royalty while we were in Pittsburgh. The mere mention of his dad's name seemed to open doors and gain him access to things. When we went to Mineo's for pizza one day he mentioned to them that his dad worked there in high school. The next day at the memorial the owners came up to him and Olivia and invited them to come in to make pizza's and spend some time behind the counter. They had the time of their lives and came home with T-shirts and ball caps to boot! While there Bennett made plans to come back for a summer job and was already negotiating a salary.
Phil's brother Jamie had written a letter to the folks who now live in their childhood home, asking if we could stop by for a look. Steve, the owner, was incredibly gracious and opened his home to a dozen or so of us and gave Bennett a Pittsburgh hat and Olivia a bag of Jelly Bellys. We spent an hour walking the property, checking out the house and even crawling into the attic which David had called home for awhile. Jamie and Jeff Breland pointed out the various marks on the doors from stereo wiring and David cleared up some mysterious decals left behind in the attic for Steve. It was great fun and awesome for the kids to see where and how Phil grew up. Across the street was Jeff's house and the family there also graciously let us in, during their five year olds birthday party no less. Just another example of the friendly small neighborhood they grew up in that remains today. Standing in those homes was spiritual and bringing my children there was important.
By the time we left Pittsburgh for our adventure in Orlando we'd played in Frick park several times, eaten Mineo's AND Vincent's pizza, I'd seen the Pen's play and we'd seen some of the amazing architecture and history that makes Pittsburgh so beautiful. Bennett now knows where Mike Tomlin lives and he and Olivia have new Steeler gear to wear home. Pittsburgh and it's people have wound their way into our hearts big time and there is no question that we now bleed black and gold too.
Our time in Pittsburgh was exactly as I hoped it would be. There were not too many tears but instead numerous good stories were shared and I had the chance to meet a lot of the people from Team Conrad whom I'd come to love over the last year. Rob Hamilton and Jeff Breland's eulogy's were eloquent and individually captured the spirit of friendship they shared with Phil. And the video montage that Brad Bruckman put together encapsulated the times of Phil's life wonderfully - hearing Phil speak at the end took me by such surprise that I was immediately besought with tears. It was both a gift and a sad reminder of what we've lost.
I lost count of the times I heard people comment on how much Bennett looks and acts like Phil. Of how he has Phil's vibrant spirit and character. As his mother it made me proud and overjoyed for him to hear this and I loved seeing him beaming as he heard it repeated over and over again throughout the parish hall. And Olivia, quiet and contemplative by my side, missed nothing as she heard every compliment about her beauty and gentleness. The "buddies" as Phil called the guys who went on yearly trips together, made sure she heard what a miracle her dad thought she was and how much love he held in his heart for his special girl. It was love, love and more love.
As some of us gathered later to share leftovers, raise glasses in Phil's honor and continue sharing stories, the tears shed were more of laughter than anything else. Phil left quite a few whoppers behind and gave us ample material to work with. And, as if it were ever in question, he has the best friends. In the midst of coming together to mourn the too-soon passing of their dear friend, they were also having a really good time being together and celebrating this place called Edgewood that gave them a sense of shared identity, belonging, community, and connection. Be it comparing a Vinnie Pie to Mineo's pizza or rehashing the latest Pen's game against the Flyers, these Pittsburghers are the real deal - they bleed black and gold for sure. And to a person, they love life, they loved Phil and they let us know again and again how much he loved us.
Bennett commented that he felt like royalty while we were in Pittsburgh. The mere mention of his dad's name seemed to open doors and gain him access to things. When we went to Mineo's for pizza one day he mentioned to them that his dad worked there in high school. The next day at the memorial the owners came up to him and Olivia and invited them to come in to make pizza's and spend some time behind the counter. They had the time of their lives and came home with T-shirts and ball caps to boot! While there Bennett made plans to come back for a summer job and was already negotiating a salary.
Phil's brother Jamie had written a letter to the folks who now live in their childhood home, asking if we could stop by for a look. Steve, the owner, was incredibly gracious and opened his home to a dozen or so of us and gave Bennett a Pittsburgh hat and Olivia a bag of Jelly Bellys. We spent an hour walking the property, checking out the house and even crawling into the attic which David had called home for awhile. Jamie and Jeff Breland pointed out the various marks on the doors from stereo wiring and David cleared up some mysterious decals left behind in the attic for Steve. It was great fun and awesome for the kids to see where and how Phil grew up. Across the street was Jeff's house and the family there also graciously let us in, during their five year olds birthday party no less. Just another example of the friendly small neighborhood they grew up in that remains today. Standing in those homes was spiritual and bringing my children there was important.
By the time we left Pittsburgh for our adventure in Orlando we'd played in Frick park several times, eaten Mineo's AND Vincent's pizza, I'd seen the Pen's play and we'd seen some of the amazing architecture and history that makes Pittsburgh so beautiful. Bennett now knows where Mike Tomlin lives and he and Olivia have new Steeler gear to wear home. Pittsburgh and it's people have wound their way into our hearts big time and there is no question that we now bleed black and gold too.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Brothers Trips
Spring is in the air everywhere you look around here in San Diego. The vibrant swathes of purple ice plant growing on the sides of hills can be seen from miles away and the daffodils are already fading in some gardens. The burst of new buds are on the trees and we've had several glorious sunshiny days that have seen us at the dog beach in short sleeves and sandals. Our weather clearly had something to do with San Diego being named America's Finest City.
It was usually about this time of year, when these botanical events started taking place, that Phil would start talking with Jamie and then David about doing a brother's trip. Granted, when we lived in Washington, this conversation often didn't roll around until late June given our climate-challenged vegetation... But you get the picture. Once Mother Earth started to wake up from her winter slumber, so did Phil. He and his brother's had a tradition of hitting the high country together every few years to enjoy nature's beauty and get away from it all for a while. Mostly, it was an opportunity to spend deliberate, thoughtful, focused time together. No cell phones, no television, no women or wives or kids, no jobs or stress. Just three men and the mountains and the sky and their words.
These were some of the best times of Phil's adult life. These trips and his buddy trips. There was just something about men getting together in nature and sweating it out together that really spoke to Phil. He loved to push himself physically and to do that in a beautiful environment only made him happier and seemed to make the effort easier. Nature always had a hold on his heart and soul. Anyone who has heard him talk about Mt. Timpanogas in Utah or about Sundance in Deer Valley has seen the look in his eye. Even at our beginning, he courted me in Duke Forest and along the shores of Lake Jordan in Chapel Hill, on long hikes through the woods as we talked for hours about everything and nothing.
So it is fitting that his brothers are paying a tribute of sorts to Phil and their mutual love of the outdoors and fitness by riding in a fundraiser for Leukemia and Lymphoma. If you haven't heard about it yet or would like to honor Phil in this way, check out their fundraising page below.
http://pages.teamintraining.org/nca/ambbr12/jconradwo4
I hope you have many enjoyable remembrances of Phil and his lust for life as you experience spring this year.
It was usually about this time of year, when these botanical events started taking place, that Phil would start talking with Jamie and then David about doing a brother's trip. Granted, when we lived in Washington, this conversation often didn't roll around until late June given our climate-challenged vegetation... But you get the picture. Once Mother Earth started to wake up from her winter slumber, so did Phil. He and his brother's had a tradition of hitting the high country together every few years to enjoy nature's beauty and get away from it all for a while. Mostly, it was an opportunity to spend deliberate, thoughtful, focused time together. No cell phones, no television, no women or wives or kids, no jobs or stress. Just three men and the mountains and the sky and their words.
These were some of the best times of Phil's adult life. These trips and his buddy trips. There was just something about men getting together in nature and sweating it out together that really spoke to Phil. He loved to push himself physically and to do that in a beautiful environment only made him happier and seemed to make the effort easier. Nature always had a hold on his heart and soul. Anyone who has heard him talk about Mt. Timpanogas in Utah or about Sundance in Deer Valley has seen the look in his eye. Even at our beginning, he courted me in Duke Forest and along the shores of Lake Jordan in Chapel Hill, on long hikes through the woods as we talked for hours about everything and nothing.
So it is fitting that his brothers are paying a tribute of sorts to Phil and their mutual love of the outdoors and fitness by riding in a fundraiser for Leukemia and Lymphoma. If you haven't heard about it yet or would like to honor Phil in this way, check out their fundraising page below.
http://pages.teamintraining.org/nca/ambbr12/jconradwo4
I hope you have many enjoyable remembrances of Phil and his lust for life as you experience spring this year.
Friday, February 17, 2012
A Matter of Perspective
Today it seems that every area of my life needs attention and there aren't enough hours in the day let alone enough psychic energy to bring to the fore. It stems from buying a house and trickles down from there with things like printing/signing/faxing documents for loan papers, includes calling my landlord to repair the leak that exists in my laundry room since the heater was installed as well as doing umpteen loads of laundry before taking my adolescent-chew-anything-and-everything hound to the dog park before I make a rash adoption plan for him because I don't want him to ruin my new house. Then there's the social security administration that has complicated my life by not paying the kid's portion of benefits this month so that I have to spend hours on the phone with them rectifying the situation (not to mention the fact that I need to get this is in order pronto for my underwriters!).
Did I mention that my car is starting to smell bad and is a debris field from the last week of frenzied activity of rushing to school in the mornings and baseball practices in the afternoons? Oh, and Bennett missed two days of school last week with asthmatic bronchitis and then spent 3 hours in the ER last weekend so he could get 3 stitches in his head after hitting it on the bathtub. Juvenile antics, that's all I'm going to say. He asked me if Daddy would be proud of him for how brave he was getting his stitches and it pained me to tell him that Daddy wouldn't be too happy to be in the ER at 2 a.m. Sorry little buddy but the truth hurts sometimes. Oh, and that'll be $500 please. Thanks. : )
I detail all the above because I very easily get caught up in the crap of my life. There is more I could tell you that went on these last few weeks but I feel badly just reciting a litany of complaints. I know my life is hard because of my grief process and my new found singularity but I also know I must pray and fight against the tendency to focus on the negative. It is all soooooooooooooo easy to do.
So, let me tell you about some wonderful women God has placed in my life. Melanie is a teacher in my son's grade (4th) and she lives just down the street. God put a burden on her heart to ask me if I wanted to do a bible study with her and another mother, Elizabeth, she knew from a previous classroom who was also a widow. Melanie was bold and followed God's lead and I said yes! Melanie has an infectious charm and energy and for those of you in WA, reminds me of Sammie Simons! She has a smile and a hug for everyone and is positive and radiant and loves the Lord. She is a few years older than me and I immediately considered her a friend and mentor. She loves my children and her family is incredible!! We have met several times and although Satan tries to foil our plans we continue to find ways to get together although I still haven't met Elizabeth!!
Julie also meets with us and she has 3 wonderful kids who are unique and fit so well with my kids. "O2" is Julie's daughter Olivia and my Olivia's buddy from first grade. She and her sister Josie and "O1" love to play American Girls together and have all-girl parties complete with signs (No Boys Allowed)! Julie's son Max and Bennett are all-boy and play Little League together, ride BMX and shoot air soft guns when they are not playing on the Wii or Playstation. It's a lovefest all around. And Julie is real. She is honest and open and wanting more and is in continual pursuit of the Lord as well. She is spicy and sassy and fun! Did I mention that she and her husband own a fantastic sushi restaurant?
Jann also lives right up the street and has taken me under her wing in so many small ways. Every once in a while my phone will buzz with a text and it's Jann, checking in on me to see how my heart and my head are. She always checks on my migraines and my spirit and I love her for that. She knows how bad both can get and she never forgets me. She also has a real sweet spot for Olivia and has watched her for me several times, creating some beautiful fun crafts with her and treating her like a real special guest. Jann consistently prays for us and know's what it's like to raise strong-willed children. Her presence in the background is comforting and encouraging.
Lastly and not least, Trenna continues to be my stalwart bedrock. She was, she is and she will be there. My love for her grows more with each passing day. I wouldn't have made it through any of this without her confident grace and reassurance. God was a genius ~ knitting us together at the age of 6, for such a time as this!
So there you have it. Things can seem pretty bad circumstantially but it's the people around you that make the difference. I don't have Phil by my side but God has provided a cloud of powerful women to fill in the gaps and they are mighty indeed. I know I need to focus on what He has given me amidst all this trouble the world deals out. Because one thing I know for sure, this world will continue to deal out trouble. Grab your friends and give thanks to "God, who causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28
Did I mention that my car is starting to smell bad and is a debris field from the last week of frenzied activity of rushing to school in the mornings and baseball practices in the afternoons? Oh, and Bennett missed two days of school last week with asthmatic bronchitis and then spent 3 hours in the ER last weekend so he could get 3 stitches in his head after hitting it on the bathtub. Juvenile antics, that's all I'm going to say. He asked me if Daddy would be proud of him for how brave he was getting his stitches and it pained me to tell him that Daddy wouldn't be too happy to be in the ER at 2 a.m. Sorry little buddy but the truth hurts sometimes. Oh, and that'll be $500 please. Thanks. : )
I detail all the above because I very easily get caught up in the crap of my life. There is more I could tell you that went on these last few weeks but I feel badly just reciting a litany of complaints. I know my life is hard because of my grief process and my new found singularity but I also know I must pray and fight against the tendency to focus on the negative. It is all soooooooooooooo easy to do.
So, let me tell you about some wonderful women God has placed in my life. Melanie is a teacher in my son's grade (4th) and she lives just down the street. God put a burden on her heart to ask me if I wanted to do a bible study with her and another mother, Elizabeth, she knew from a previous classroom who was also a widow. Melanie was bold and followed God's lead and I said yes! Melanie has an infectious charm and energy and for those of you in WA, reminds me of Sammie Simons! She has a smile and a hug for everyone and is positive and radiant and loves the Lord. She is a few years older than me and I immediately considered her a friend and mentor. She loves my children and her family is incredible!! We have met several times and although Satan tries to foil our plans we continue to find ways to get together although I still haven't met Elizabeth!!
Julie also meets with us and she has 3 wonderful kids who are unique and fit so well with my kids. "O2" is Julie's daughter Olivia and my Olivia's buddy from first grade. She and her sister Josie and "O1" love to play American Girls together and have all-girl parties complete with signs (No Boys Allowed)! Julie's son Max and Bennett are all-boy and play Little League together, ride BMX and shoot air soft guns when they are not playing on the Wii or Playstation. It's a lovefest all around. And Julie is real. She is honest and open and wanting more and is in continual pursuit of the Lord as well. She is spicy and sassy and fun! Did I mention that she and her husband own a fantastic sushi restaurant?
Jann also lives right up the street and has taken me under her wing in so many small ways. Every once in a while my phone will buzz with a text and it's Jann, checking in on me to see how my heart and my head are. She always checks on my migraines and my spirit and I love her for that. She knows how bad both can get and she never forgets me. She also has a real sweet spot for Olivia and has watched her for me several times, creating some beautiful fun crafts with her and treating her like a real special guest. Jann consistently prays for us and know's what it's like to raise strong-willed children. Her presence in the background is comforting and encouraging.
Lastly and not least, Trenna continues to be my stalwart bedrock. She was, she is and she will be there. My love for her grows more with each passing day. I wouldn't have made it through any of this without her confident grace and reassurance. God was a genius ~ knitting us together at the age of 6, for such a time as this!
So there you have it. Things can seem pretty bad circumstantially but it's the people around you that make the difference. I don't have Phil by my side but God has provided a cloud of powerful women to fill in the gaps and they are mighty indeed. I know I need to focus on what He has given me amidst all this trouble the world deals out. Because one thing I know for sure, this world will continue to deal out trouble. Grab your friends and give thanks to "God, who causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28
Monday, February 6, 2012
Home is Where the Heart Is
I bought a house this week and it is beautiful! It's far nicer than anything Phil and I looked at when we briefly house hunted in July of 2010. At that time what we could afford were older homes that were very small or that needed a good deal of "sweat equity" as Phil liked to call it. Once he was diagnosed with lymphoma we quickly shelved our dream of buying a home and tried to protect our little nest egg as best we could, not knowing what was in store for us.
Now here we are, the kids and I, all these months later, on the cusp of moving into our new home, our "forever home" as Bennett puts it, all made possible by Phil's sacrifice and death. Kinda sad. Kinda crazy. But mostly, it's amazing and shows how provisional his love was. Even in death, he is taking care of us and he's made my "workplace" for raising our kids even more precious. We will be in a beautiful home that is convenient to everything, spacious and comfortable, perfect for entertaining and yet quiet and tranquil. There is even space for our beloved-behemoth-hound Zack and for the gardening to come. There is sunshine all around and I will never have to move if I don't want to. Ahhhh.
Thank you Phil! We will talk of you here and tell stories of your incredible life. We will rest here when the going gets tough. We will laugh and have fun here! By putting a roof over our heads and giving us a safe and secure place to rest our heads and our hearts you have given us a place to rebuild our lives and heal our broken hearts. We will move on confidently in life without you here with us because you have provided the means for us to do so. As we move into our new home we will be taking you with us, in our hearts and memories, forever. You have our love, always.
Now here we are, the kids and I, all these months later, on the cusp of moving into our new home, our "forever home" as Bennett puts it, all made possible by Phil's sacrifice and death. Kinda sad. Kinda crazy. But mostly, it's amazing and shows how provisional his love was. Even in death, he is taking care of us and he's made my "workplace" for raising our kids even more precious. We will be in a beautiful home that is convenient to everything, spacious and comfortable, perfect for entertaining and yet quiet and tranquil. There is even space for our beloved-behemoth-hound Zack and for the gardening to come. There is sunshine all around and I will never have to move if I don't want to. Ahhhh.
Thank you Phil! We will talk of you here and tell stories of your incredible life. We will rest here when the going gets tough. We will laugh and have fun here! By putting a roof over our heads and giving us a safe and secure place to rest our heads and our hearts you have given us a place to rebuild our lives and heal our broken hearts. We will move on confidently in life without you here with us because you have provided the means for us to do so. As we move into our new home we will be taking you with us, in our hearts and memories, forever. You have our love, always.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Happy Birthday Babe!
Today is Phil's birthday, he would have been 50. His dying young is a tragedy in itself but it hurts more today to know that he didn't even make 50. Phil always acted and looked younger than his age and people were usually shocked to find out that he was as "old" as he was. We tended to run with a younger crowd and as the oldest of our friends he actually took pride in being one of the most physically fit ~ although being Phil, he never flaunted it or rubbed anyone's face in it. It is just who Phil was. When we met in 1994 he had just moved from Park City, UT to Durham, NC for PA school and had been doing a lot of high altitude trail running. He'd spent hours at a time running the ski trails for fun... a total nut job I tell you! When he met his classmate David Huish, a fellow trail running madman from Farmington, Maine, it was Kismet (a Turkish word meaning fate or destiny). They immediately sized one another up and ran each other to their limits, getting lost on their first run together in the Duke forest and running further than they probably intended too ~ loving every minute and forging a friendship that would carry them through the challenges of PA school, young married life, their careers, starting families, and the crucible of cancer.
When he was diagnosed with Type I Diabetes several years ago (an autoimmune adult onset type) Phil became even more zealous about his fitness and controlling his blood sugar became extremely important to him. His HGB A1C (hemoglobin A1C - a measure of blood sugar control) was always excellent and below what was desirable for him. He exceeded expectations and went the extra mile, making sure that his health came first. He was always on time for check ups, always reading about his disease, and always running, biking and exercising.
So it was shocking when he of all people got sick. It was not supposed to happen to Phil. He took such good care of himself. He looked younger than he was. He was strong. He didn't deserve it. But that's the thing with cancer. No one deserves it. And that's the thing with getting sick. No one sees it coming and no one is immune. It just happens and it happens to good, strong people who you love.
All week I've been anticipating feeling sad and having a difficult time with today. But then this morning I heard a story on NPR that helped me feel better. A husband and wife were talking about their 18 or 20 yr old son who had died of mononucleosis and the wife's tremendous grief for 5 years after. She said that one day her husband asked her if she'd known ahead of time that this would happen to them, would she have traded the short time they had with their son? Without missing a beat she said "No, I wouldn't trade having loved him for a second."
That's what I needed to hear this morning. I wouldn't have traded a minute loving and knowing Phil either. Today is about celebrating that Phil lived, not that he died. He lived life fully and fought hard to continue living. I miss him because he left such a huge impression on my life and that of my kids, family and friends. Join me in celebrating a life well lived and cut short too soon.
When he was diagnosed with Type I Diabetes several years ago (an autoimmune adult onset type) Phil became even more zealous about his fitness and controlling his blood sugar became extremely important to him. His HGB A1C (hemoglobin A1C - a measure of blood sugar control) was always excellent and below what was desirable for him. He exceeded expectations and went the extra mile, making sure that his health came first. He was always on time for check ups, always reading about his disease, and always running, biking and exercising.
So it was shocking when he of all people got sick. It was not supposed to happen to Phil. He took such good care of himself. He looked younger than he was. He was strong. He didn't deserve it. But that's the thing with cancer. No one deserves it. And that's the thing with getting sick. No one sees it coming and no one is immune. It just happens and it happens to good, strong people who you love.
All week I've been anticipating feeling sad and having a difficult time with today. But then this morning I heard a story on NPR that helped me feel better. A husband and wife were talking about their 18 or 20 yr old son who had died of mononucleosis and the wife's tremendous grief for 5 years after. She said that one day her husband asked her if she'd known ahead of time that this would happen to them, would she have traded the short time they had with their son? Without missing a beat she said "No, I wouldn't trade having loved him for a second."
That's what I needed to hear this morning. I wouldn't have traded a minute loving and knowing Phil either. Today is about celebrating that Phil lived, not that he died. He lived life fully and fought hard to continue living. I miss him because he left such a huge impression on my life and that of my kids, family and friends. Join me in celebrating a life well lived and cut short too soon.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Thinking About You
"Do you think of Phil very often?" was the question my sister asked me as we were wrapping up our New Year's weekend together. It was with some difficulty that I struggled to answer. You'd think it would be a simple "yes" or "no" but instead I spent the next several minutes trying to put into words what my experience has been during the last six or seven weeks since he died. It was a challenging task because I am embarrassed to admit that I don't think of him as often as I think I "should".
I struggle to describe exactly what my grief has been like. Phil died in mid-November and before I knew it along came Thanksgiving, usually my favorite time of year. Then there was the rush of Christmas and the challenge to make it as special and joyful as possible for the kids. It all ended up a mixture of many stressful, surreal and thankfully, a few beautifully sublime moments. (So long 2011, don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out).
Then just a day or so ago a friend sent me a link to an interview with Patrick Swayze's wife detailing her grief and the struggles she had taking care of him during his 22 months with pancreatic cancer. I read that she initially thought of Patrick every three or four minutes for the first few weeks. Holy crap! I can't even imagine what that was like. I so don't relate! At first blush I felt bad that I wasn't like that.
But something dawned on me and I felt immense relief at my insight and I took compassion on myself for not having dwelled on Phil these last weeks. You see, from the moment Phil received his diagnosis I'd done nothing but think of him. My life's dreams and passions ceased to move forward and all hands were on deck for the fight for Phil's life. So began my journey with balancing the battle with cancer, motherhood and maintaining my sanity ~ all of which I kept spinning like plates in a carnival side show. So now, to step back emotionally and not think of Phil all the time, let alone every three or four minutes, is a respite I have needed for a long time. To give myself permission to not feel guilty about it has been liberating. And it's not the first time I've had to give myself this kind of permission...sheesh.
In point of fact, what has happened is a transposition of sorts. Now I think of my children most of the time. I think of their grief and the anger they are exhibiting and of how I can parent them better especially now that I am alone (though not). I constantly think about their future and of all the things I now need to provide for them in accordance with the collective vision Phil and I had together to shape their budding characters and to fill their thirsty souls. And I reflect often on the difference between what they actually lost when Phil died and what I am unwilling to see them let go of along with that loss (their innocence, integrity, tenderness, compassion, faith). In recognizing the immense responsibility and privilege that is mine to raise these kiddos, I accordingly give myself permission to ask for help, pray, and cry as needed.
I often think of Phil in response to the overwhelming responsibility I feel to continue parenting these remarkable children "in the way they should go so that they will not stray from it". I miss him every day and am only just beginning to understand my grief and the grief of my children. None of us have the same response to his death and since each of them are rapidly growing and changing, I have to be on my toes all the time. If I were to think of Phil every three or four minutes I could not do what I have to do to get on with the business of living ~ and leading all of us on in that. And I find that for me personally, what I read recently rings true~
"People cry not because they are weak but because they have been strong for so long".
I struggle to describe exactly what my grief has been like. Phil died in mid-November and before I knew it along came Thanksgiving, usually my favorite time of year. Then there was the rush of Christmas and the challenge to make it as special and joyful as possible for the kids. It all ended up a mixture of many stressful, surreal and thankfully, a few beautifully sublime moments. (So long 2011, don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out).
Then just a day or so ago a friend sent me a link to an interview with Patrick Swayze's wife detailing her grief and the struggles she had taking care of him during his 22 months with pancreatic cancer. I read that she initially thought of Patrick every three or four minutes for the first few weeks. Holy crap! I can't even imagine what that was like. I so don't relate! At first blush I felt bad that I wasn't like that.
But something dawned on me and I felt immense relief at my insight and I took compassion on myself for not having dwelled on Phil these last weeks. You see, from the moment Phil received his diagnosis I'd done nothing but think of him. My life's dreams and passions ceased to move forward and all hands were on deck for the fight for Phil's life. So began my journey with balancing the battle with cancer, motherhood and maintaining my sanity ~ all of which I kept spinning like plates in a carnival side show. So now, to step back emotionally and not think of Phil all the time, let alone every three or four minutes, is a respite I have needed for a long time. To give myself permission to not feel guilty about it has been liberating. And it's not the first time I've had to give myself this kind of permission...sheesh.
In point of fact, what has happened is a transposition of sorts. Now I think of my children most of the time. I think of their grief and the anger they are exhibiting and of how I can parent them better especially now that I am alone (though not). I constantly think about their future and of all the things I now need to provide for them in accordance with the collective vision Phil and I had together to shape their budding characters and to fill their thirsty souls. And I reflect often on the difference between what they actually lost when Phil died and what I am unwilling to see them let go of along with that loss (their innocence, integrity, tenderness, compassion, faith). In recognizing the immense responsibility and privilege that is mine to raise these kiddos, I accordingly give myself permission to ask for help, pray, and cry as needed.
I often think of Phil in response to the overwhelming responsibility I feel to continue parenting these remarkable children "in the way they should go so that they will not stray from it". I miss him every day and am only just beginning to understand my grief and the grief of my children. None of us have the same response to his death and since each of them are rapidly growing and changing, I have to be on my toes all the time. If I were to think of Phil every three or four minutes I could not do what I have to do to get on with the business of living ~ and leading all of us on in that. And I find that for me personally, what I read recently rings true~
"People cry not because they are weak but because they have been strong for so long".
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