It is What It Is

We're home now, having been discharged on Wednesday after receiving Dr. Mansfield's blessing that Phil had been given a sufficient amount of IV antibiotics and Dr. Kossman felt his blood counts were returning to normal levels.  He left on oral antibiotics and a host of other medications to tame the sinus infection while his immune system comes back online and finally conquers it once and for all (knocking on wood would be appropriate right now if you are at all superstitious). 

Normally, coming home would mean a wonderful rest from the hustle and bustle of hospital life where someone or another is always coming into Phil's room to measure, administer, deliver, or clean something.  But no.  Cancer, being the tenacious SOB that it is, has continued to flex it's muscle and is alternately pissing Phil off or exhausting him with profound nausea.  In addition to these bouts he has also been taken to the mat with sleeplessness and a ferocious fatigue that compounds with each passing day.  There has truly been no rest for the weary.  And by weary I mean: chemotherapy for 4 days followed by 9 days of the bottom totally dropping out followed by admission for pancytopenia and sepsis including sinus surgery and a 6 day stay at "Club Med".   Makes most anything I am dealing with alongside of him much more tolerable.  Not easy, but tolerable.  

I just began reading The Emperor of all Maladies: a Biography of Cancer.  It is absolutely fascinating so far and I know I will be riveted by it.  I know because it is the story of a "relentless and insidious enemy" and because it is the story I am living every day.  You might wonder why I would choose to read such a book right now.  You might wonder if I'll find it too depressing, or too difficult to handle.  On the contrary.  In taking a hard look in the mirror of reality I find nothing more affirming than seeing things exactly as they are and leaning into them.  It is what it is - and yes it SUCKS!, yes it is a RIP OFF! of epic proportions that my husband, my children's father has this most aggressive and "relentless and insidious enemy", cancer.  But to pretend otherwise or to distance myself from this process or reality would be to deny Phil and myself the opportunity and privilege of growing in intimacy with each other, our children and with God in this most heinous, desperate and yet profound situation.


Through relationships with the doctors, my close friends and family and mostly with Phil and my kids I am reaping many harvests of joy amidst this trial.  I definitely have to keep my eyes open for them sometimes but they are there.  People and relationships are an endless wellspring of love and discovery.  And when all that cancer is serving up is nausea, hair loss, fatigue and sleeplessness, well, give me the wellspring, thank you very much!   (Take me to the river, drop me in the water...)  So even though there is suffering and that is what it is a lot of the time lately, that's OK.  We signed up for the package deal with each other, with our friendships, and with God.

People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering. -- St. Augustine

Super Bowl Weekend ~ Conrad Style

Wouldn't you know it. Yesterday, the day before the "Big Game" (the one in which the Steelers beat the snot out of Green Bay while Phil waves his Terrible Towel and yells like a mad man) he woke up feeling horrible ~ nauseous and wrung out. By midday he had thrown up and by the evening he'd only put a glass of water, a grape Popsicle and a few ice chips into his system.  Despite world-class care and a lot of thought put into anticipating what might happen this time around, things just weren't going smoothly post-chemotherapy for Phil ~ again!  His fluid intake just wasn't gonna get it done so I had to pack him off to the ER for IV hydration and better anti-nausea meds.  


Alas, the great folks at Alvarado did an amazing job for us once again. Dr. Kai Zu was fantastic as our on-call doctor and gave us several excellent options to think through before we chose to head out to the ER.  As I've mentioned before, at this point in Phil's journey he is something of a celebrity and when Dr. Zu called he already knew the high points of Phil's case.  Until you've walked this long road you won't know what a gift that is.  I was spared from having to repeat Phil's entire medical history and because we are now both known entities, I didn't have to qualify my judgment of the situation from a medical perspective either.  This is truly priceless, especially when one's husband is teetering on the brink of literal existential nausea. 


Once in the ER we saw our nurse Joanne from 3 months ago when Phil came in with his horrendous spinal headache. We remembered one another and she reminded us with a wink that we weren't supposed to come back to her ER ever again. Oops.  She cared for both of us with the same warmth and commitment as before and we were made to feel as if were her most important patients of the night, made to feel like family.  When she told us of her desire to become a Nurse Practitioner, Phil, like usual, was quick to encourage and compliment her even though he continued to struggle with uncontrolled nausea as he did so.


Fortunately, his labs were all normal except for some dehydration and his problem was just that ~ being a quart low on fluids.  After 2L of normal saline and some Kytril for nausea he started to look better even though the nausea would hang on for the rest of the night.  We eventually made it home after only 4 hours there and were home in bed by 11:00 p.m.  That's got to be some kind of record for a complicated chemotherapy patient with dehydration, nausea and vomiting!  Good work Alvarado ER is all I got to say.  


Thanks to all of you who followed my posts on Facebook last night and were praying.  This morning finds Phil slowly gaining ground.  He started with ice chips and has progressed to Popsicles.  Later we've got Top Ramen on the bill of fare.  Good times ahead for this unforgettable Super Bowl Sunday I can assure you.  At this point, I would be remiss if I failed to mention that his first act this morning was to change into his Pittsburgh Steelers 2010 AFC National Champions T-Shirt.  There's plenty of fight left in the old boy yet!