I'm finding it challenging to know where to start, what to write, what exactly it is I want to say today. So much has happened and, in true Libra fashion, I fluctuate between wanting to write it all down so I don't forget a moment of this strange state of being I find myself in, and wanting to just let it be ~ to continue as I've done over the last few days and lose touch with the passage of time and let it ride.
I'm laying on the bed in the back room with my sister Anita, and she is helping me sort out what is important for you to know about Phil and our family time. Hospice is in place, which means he sleeps a bit more comfortably in a hospital bed in our room, and I feel supported by an amazing team of caregivers. Every twelve hours is a new place in this journey. Phil is comfortable, not in pain, able to smile and comprehend the nuances of conversation, but is slow to respond and fading quietly.
Our living room is Ground Zero for us most of the day, with visitors and family coming in and out. I am trying to balance Phil's needs and my own, with those of my children and his loved ones who need to see and be with him. It is exhausting and we haven't quite gotten it right every day. I don't know how long we will be in this disrupted space but I do feel that God is holding us. I don't understand how people do this without Him. New mercies are needed every morning.
Last night I was reading about what it means to "die a good death." Throughout this illness, Phil has never complained, railed against God, or asked "why me?" How many of us could say that? I want to do whatever it takes to accompany him to his good death. Please pray that I can be faithful in the middle of the night when he needs me. And when I need patience and grace to lovingly sort out the kids' grief and emotional pain.
This is a sacred privilege for me to honor my husband as he leads us all to the Cross. We are catching glimpses of Jesus in these precarious days of uncertainty but we know for certain that all shall be well. Phil is surely dying but we know that this is ultimately his resurrection story.