Apparently 3 weeks have gone by since my last post. We've been in and out of one form of fatigue or another during this time and suffice it to say, there is a reason you haven't heard from me. Personally, I've been wandering in a desert of sorts; a desert of fatigue, migraine, emotional distress and even abject nothingness. What's more, this is a desert within me and a landscape I hardly recognize as myself. It makes me sad that cancer's fallout has taken up even an inch of real estate within me, let alone what feels like a parched acre of my soul that will forever be altered.
Tomorrow Phil starts his next round of new chemotherapy and we are thankful- that the chemo appears to be working, that he is able to actually stick to this regimen of every 3 week treatment, that he recovered quickly from the last round without any complications. But honestly, we are tired and have to remind ourselves to stop and count our blessings sometimes. I could be imagining it but it feels like it takes us days what it takes others hours to accomplish, hours what it takes others minutes. We move at a pace unlike anyone we know and share a lifestyle with no one.
I will be taking Bennett and Olivia up to Washington for a visit next week and we are all looking forward to them seeing their cousins, some classmates and to driving the old neighborhood. For me, it will be a much needed getaway but also a bit anxiety-filled. Phil will be at his lowest while I'm gone and that can be a fragile place. It is a place, by his side, that I've always been and yet he and I know that it's in my best interest to sit this one out. His mom and brother will (with Terry, Josh and my parents) be here to care for him, providing me with the respite I need as well. Time to find my happy place again.
Yes, it is past time - but I can only imagine how hard it will be (as well as wonderful). That's always an interesting mix to manage: relief and worry. Praying you will find that balance, be able to shed the ever-present anxiety and glory in that space. Travel well, rest, rest, rest - in whatever way feeds your soul and spirit: visits/beautiful vistas/sleep. Be safe and well and loved.
ReplyDeleteThank you Diana! A day or two does make a difference and today feels like a brighter one. I hate to sound so down and depressed in my posts because there are bright spots as you know. Balance is one of the keys isn't it?
ReplyDeleteSally,
ReplyDeleteEverytime I read your blog, my heart goes out to you and your family. Enjoy your time in the PWN (we have not seen summer this year.) Easy for me to say since I have not walked in your shoes, but you do need to take time every now and again for yourself so you will be no good to Phil or the children. I know Terry will do eveything she can to be a comfort and aid to Phil.
Beah Kennedy Spreen
Correction: ... otherwise you will be no good ...
ReplyDeleteSally,
ReplyDeleteAlthough we have never met in person, I feel like I know you so well, spiritually, as strange as that may sound. I've known Phil since we were very young, and I have been through the pain of losing my home, family, job, uterus, husband, and everything that was familiar to me,.........yet, I can not imagine what YOU endure every day of your life as it is now. Please believe, 1st of all, that you have every right to sound "depressed" in your posts, yet, you really never do!!!!! You are a pillar of strength like nothing I have ever experienced, and if there are strength in numbers, (from us all from Edgewood) and you ALONE.......(as well, and most importantly, GOD that hears are prayers), I believe that this fight is long from over!!!!! We will continue to stand, NOT behind you, but beside you in every step of the way!!!!! God bless you and your beautiful family........and we will not stop until we win!!!!!!!!! Love and prayers continue.........as always!!!!!