Phil 4:13

What is life but a series of emotions?  I mean that is one way to look at life and I guess coming from a woman it's not a stretch to see it that way. That's how I've experienced my world over the last 40-some years, since as far back as I can remember anyway.  Whether they be "good" or "negative" emotions I can remember always being aware of them and always wanting to make sense of them.  I also remember being very aware of other people's feelings and emotions, often even when they weren't aware of them themselves.


As the drama and intensity of the last few weeks has subsided I find myself in a strange place emotionally.  I am frankly exhausted; physically because of all the care taking and appointments, yes.  And emotionally because there is room now to collapse and feel what there was no time for while the fires burned and the hurricane blew.  But also because the kids and I are no longer being pumped up by a constant stream of adrenaline.  You know that let down feeling that comes after you've swerved to miss a traffic accident when your heart finally stops racing, your breathing finally slows down, you feel shaky all over and you realize you've dodged a bullet?   That's where we are now.  We've dodged a big bullet and for now, we're in the eye of the storm where the birds are flying and the sun is shining.


On to the emotional life I've always had.  Lately I'm feeling pretty much nothing.  These days I'm all about taking care of business and getting things done.  Fortunatley there is plenty to take care of and get done.  I know it is my way of keeping it all together and is probably a defense mechanism of sorts yet it is eerie for me.  On any given day prior to this whole deal, if you'd have asked me how I was doing, I'd have told you.  In detail.  And not just a "fine, how are you?"  Anyone who knows me knows I give the real answer.  I take pride in knowing how I am doing and in naming it and looking at it and turning it over and examining it, so much so that it is actually a problem sometimes.  So for me to not be in touch with how I am doing is a bit surprising to some folks.  


Phil still isn't a big talker about his inner life so I have to make my best guesses about where "he is " on any given day.  That's also a big change.  He too tended to name his emotions and talk all about them so he/me/we are all in uncharted territory together.  The kids have their Dad home but he isn't the same guy.  They are dealing with enormous changes themselves from having just moved and losing everything familiar to having a Dad with cancer and major complications who can barely take care of himself.  Their emotions are huge and overwhelming - to them and for me.  And they've only got one functioning parent for all intents and purposes.  


SO, due to years and years of practice, I DO know how I am doing underneath it all, but I am focused on WHAT I am doing because to focus or talk about HOW I am doing would be my undoing.  I don't know HOW I am doing it but I AM doing it.  One day at a time, one hour at a time, one appointment at a time, one load of laundry at a time, one prayer at a time, one crisis at a time.  


Philippians 4:13   I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.