With and Without You

Phil is "treading water" as Dr. Kossman likes to say but a better description might be to say he's "climbing the walls".  We both are in our own way - he's in his uncomfortable hospital bed, just biding his time waiting to be hale enough to undergo more testing and have an immune system capable of sustaining him at home.  I'm at home and the hospital, caught between two masters, caring for him and the kids and trying to balance both while not losing myself, my sanity or my temper.  


Parenthood is definitely not for sissies and single parenting, well, my hat goes off to you folks and then some.  Add in a routine migraine, any one of a myriad of emotions from the kids, some generalized grief and don't forget, we've got 2 weeks off for Spring Break!  I am actually really looking forward to the downtime with the kids, it's just that close quarters and free, unstructured time can get dicey.  I've got lot's of plans and ideas and I'm praying and working that the family and visitors coming this way next week will make it work out.


Meanwhile, back to our main saga.  Phil continues to receive RBCs and platelets, ride the roller coaster of GI complaints and wait ever so patiently for his bone marrow to begin manufacturing WBCs again.  Each day seems to creep by with a mini-adventure of some sort.  We've had some nice visits with friends, the kids have had extended visits to watch movies, do homework at the corner office table and do their most favorite thing of all -- get junk food out of the vending machine down by the staff lounge.  Phil is going on almost 2 weeks in the hospital this time around (having barely 36 hours at home between admissions) so his highlight with the kids is hearing about the triumphs and tragedies that make up their days.  Recently Bennett ate a Sour Cream and Onion flavored cricket and some meal worms at the San Diego Zoo and Olivia has 2 new loose teeth and has graduated to reading to the H level readers.  And it was this week that Bennett verbalized his deepest fears and hurts to us.  So painful as parents and yet, we are so thankful he did.


In more deep and painful ways than I can express it's a crucible to parent and be a wife and lead a family while a husband has cancer.  No one has it easy.  It is hard and painful to be 9 years old and able to comprehend and imagine what it could be like to have your dad die.  It is hard and sad to be 6 years old and have a mommy who is often too tired to play like she used to.  And it is hardest of all to be Phil, sitting in the hospital day after day after day after day just waiting for his body to make WBCs so he can get on with the next thing, knowing it's not the last thing.  And knowing that we're here feeling all this, for him, with him, without him.