Wounded Healer

Hot tea with honey and lemon.  Tomato soup.  Really sharp cheddar cheese.  Ice cold water.  A comfortable place to rest.  A good book.  Music from the past.  These are just a few of the things that have brought Phil comfort these days.  Simple pleasures yes but much more than that.  Each in its own way has brought him something that is restorative, either to his physical body, his mind or to his spirit.  When everything else is falling away it is the simple things that remain to sustain him.


The stirring of a cool breeze.  Playing with the kids.  Going shopping and being out in public.  Four hours of uninterrupted sleep.  An appetite.  Normal digestion.  Human touch.  Being comfortable in his own skin.  Understanding his body.  Doing things for himself.  Exercising and pushing himself to his limits.  Energy.  These are just a few of the things that Phil doesn't take for granted anymore. 

And now, neither do I.


Recently I had a conversation with Jefferson Breland, the 4th Conrad brother, our best man, and friend of Phil's for 42 years.  He shared so many profound and moving things with me but one or two stood out in particular.  He spoke of how much he is learning from Phil and how much Phil has to teach all of us.  Wow.  Jeff nailed it, for me certainly.  (I mean what is marriage if not a crucible to learn everything you thought you knew about yourself and didn't ever really want to know?). 


All snark aside,  in our line of work as PA's, Phil and I often talked about Henri Nouwen  the Dutch pastor and teacher who's name is synonymous with the phrase "wounded healer".  Over the years, we both strove to bring our wounded-ness into our practice of medicine, something Phil absolutely excelled at.  He just has a way about him and he is willing to be an open book.  That's brings me to the other thing Jeff said.  Over all the years Jeff's known him, "the one thing that keeps showing up for Phil is nurturing".  


Both these qualities are what make Phil such a good PA, friend, father and husband.  As a PA he really knows his ortho but he is also able to nurture relationships and foster friendships where others often fail.  As a husband and father I don't know if he fully realizes the many ways he has taught me and the kids.  He is now showing me what matters when everything falls away and the body revolts.  That tomato soup and ice cold water can sustain you.  


For now, while the battle goes on, I want him to know what I see him teaching our kids.   He is showing them how to fight for life and be valiant in the face of fear and uncertainty.  He is showing them to continue to laugh at things that are funny, cry at things that are sad, and to carry on with the day to day routine.  Showing them that if you don't feel too good you still get out of bed and live the day God has given you.    And he is showing them that relationships are what matter and that God has blessed us beyond measure -- even in the midst of cancer.


Wounded. Healer. Phil Conrad.  Love you babe.