Living Strong

According to the online Free Dictionary, to be "underwhelmed" means to fail to be excited, stimulated or impressed.  Considering that just a few weeks ago Phil was in the ER with a killer headache and an extreme drug reaction, I'd say that his response to chemo this go-round has been a bit underwhelming.  Got to say I'm more than happy to take this one easy and avoid the roller coaster of catecholamines (adrenaline) that have been responsible for making my already thin hair fall out and for churning a hole in the lining of my stomach.  Yes, I'll take a bye on that, thank you very much.  


Don't get me wrong, Phil is definitely exhausted as evidenced by his extreme fatigue yesterday morning after emptying half the dishwasher.  In fact, he was right on schedule, a mere 2 days after discharge from the hospital, on a day we'd predicted as a "blue day" on our master calendar.  


For a little background on our schedule concept, imagine a big ol' desk calender.  In planning this months chemo out and making our best guesstimate about how he might be feeling, Phil and I went through this month and circled each date in green, blue and red marker.  Green would correspond with a great day filled with energy, blue would be either a declining or ascending day in or out of chemo and red would represent a very down day with the worst of energy and side effects.  


Right in step with our predictions he is hitting the downward slope into the blue and red zone over these next 4-5 days.  Physiologically this corresponds with his WBC, RBC and platelet counts all dropping to very low levels (pancytopenia) and the dead cancer cell levels rising in his body.  He has to drink lots of fluids to clear out those bad boys, becomes at risk of infection and feels totally spent.  What a party!!  Too bad he's got no energy to enjoy it.


On the upside he points out that his appetite is good and he eats ice cream 3 times a day.  The kids just don't understand why they can't join in with him.  Earlier this week his brother David visited and came bearing gifts.  Now  Phil sports a cool AC/DC skull cap that brings a whole tough look to his repertoire.  Combined with the baldness, he looks kinda bad-ass.  Until he laughs.  Then his dimples show and he smiles and he just can't sell it anymore.


Today is definitely a red zone day.  He is all couch all day and he is hating it.  Having said that, he has slowly caved to technology and come around to the Facebook world as most of you know.  He spends quite a bit of time responding to you all on there and has loved reconnecting to his past.  Most exciting though, he has become very passionate and energized about researching the Livestrong site.  Phil has paired with a survivor of TLL and will be connecting with him to share stories, etc and relate with him in a way none of us can.  I am so thankful for this new avenue for him and can't wait to see what comes of it.  Phil is also very excited about getting more and more involved in the bigger Livestrong organization and has been looking into that as well.  Livestrong Day is October 2nd and I'll be posting some more ideas about that soon!!


Last of all Phil has been TOTALLY blessed by our friend Garry Johnson and his amazing help with sleep through hypnosis.  Garry has been so gracious to send us MP3s for Phil to utilize for sleep, pain management and for harnessing the incredible power of the brain in healing.  It has been huge!! Thank you Garry, your work is powerful.


I too am figuring out what I need to be doing.  It's not too complicated.  I clearly need more sleep.  I need to eat right and man-o-man do I ever need to get some exercise.  Like we say around the Conrad home, if Mom don't feel good, don't nobody feel good.  And although it's a bit of a stunner that it came to me this late in the game, I realized yesterday (for about the 10th time in my life) that if I don't take care of myself, no one else will.  So,  today begins a new routine of putting myself first when I can and when it's appropriate and letting more things go that aren't that important.  


We continue to look forward to our next visitors and to what we'll learn about each other through these times together.  We also continue to work on ourselves through this amazing process of healing and dealing.  There is still much to be learned and much to be unlearned.  We still require so much grace with one another and from God and we know we always will.  Thankfully on Team Conrad there are forgiveness, reconciliation, ice cream and friends aplenty.