Be Here Now

 "BE HERE NOW"  Baba Ram Dass


Like most people I start each day with plans and a To Do list but more often than not they quickly change.  Take this morning for instance.  I was all set to take the kids to school and spend an hour with Olivia in her classroom, seeing as she'd had a tearful time yesterday going to school.  From there I would head to our apartment and finish up the last cleaning and turn in the keys then sweep out our storage unit and close out that account as well.  Having the kids in school and Phil resting back at home would allow me to get so much done!!


Little did I know what today had in store for us.  Phil woke up with a low grade temp and as this was Day 10 of his chemo course, he was at an all time low and going from bed to the sink to brush his teeth and back was all he had energy for.  Immediately after brushing it was back to bed for a 30 minute nap.  He was like a limp piece of spaghetti and feared he might need a transfusion.  Thankfully he didn't but the office visit did confirm he needed a liter of IV fluids, some Neulasta (a white blood cell booster) and some antibiotic prophylaxis.  We also learned he'd lost 20 lbs in the last 2 weeks.  Crickey.


Being a medical professional, I have the fortune/misfortune of seeing the whole picture here as regards Phil.  I understand his diagnosis, his therapy, his prognosis.  I take copious notes at his visits which resemble my short-hand chart notes of old.  There are nursing notes in my journal and I can be a top-notch patient advocate and know the right questions to ask.  But today, while that was helpful, none of it changed the fact that Phil felt like shit.  None of it changed the fact that our entire day would (appropriately) be spent making him feel better.


Not that long ago I might have been frustrated or even pissed off that my schedule and agenda had been knocked out of alignment.  In his mercy, God has poured out patience upon on me in quantities I've not known before.  Now I live moment by moment and just keep letting things go.  That's not to say I'm perfect, far from it.  I still snap at my kids and dog, cry when anyone does something unexpectedly for us, have trouble sleeping soundly and am eating Tums to quell my acidic stomach.  It is a work in progress. 


The blog is cathartic yet no matter how many people I have around me picking up the slack there is no amount of filler to solidify the quicksand that we are navigating.  But there isn't a Plan B so on I go.  Phil doesn't have any other choice either so I take my breaks when they come, nap when I can and try to prioritize what's most important.  In point of fact, I rarely wear make-up, have a rotating wardrobe of 3 or 4 favorite outfits and can't remember the last time I styled my hair.  Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.   


Some days despite all my plans and To Do lists, all I can manage is to BE HERE NOW.