Finding Your Happy Place

Apparently 3 weeks have gone by since my last post. We've been in and out of one form of fatigue or another during this time and suffice it to say, there is a reason you haven't heard from me. Personally, I've been wandering in a desert of sorts; a desert of fatigue, migraine, emotional distress and even abject nothingness. What's more, this is a desert within me and a landscape I hardly recognize as myself. It makes me sad that cancer's fallout has taken up even an inch of real estate within me, let alone what feels like a parched acre of my soul that will forever be altered.

Tomorrow Phil starts his next round of new chemotherapy and we are thankful- that the chemo appears to be working, that he is able to actually stick to this regimen of every 3 week treatment, that he recovered quickly from the last round without any complications. But honestly, we are tired and have to remind ourselves to stop and count our blessings sometimes. I could be imagining it but it feels like it takes us days what it takes others hours to accomplish, hours what it takes others minutes. We move at a pace unlike anyone we know and share a lifestyle with no one.

I will be taking Bennett and Olivia up to Washington for a visit next week and we are all looking forward to them seeing their cousins, some classmates and to driving the old neighborhood. For me, it will be a much needed getaway but also a bit anxiety-filled. Phil will be at his lowest while I'm gone and that can be a fragile place. It is a place, by his side, that I've always been and yet he and I know that it's in my best interest to sit this one out. His mom and brother will (with Terry, Josh and my parents) be here to care for him, providing me with the respite I need as well. Time to find my happy place again.

Familiar Surroundings

Well this feels familiar.  I'm sitting in the big over-inflated chair that makes obscene noises when one sits down too quickly (those who've visited know the one) and I'm watching Phil sleep.  It's day two of chemotherapy and we're in the groove.  This is round 5 of what we hope will only be a total of 6 and our lives are in a bit of an upheaval.  I suppose that isn't saying much for us, but really, it's true.  It's crazy enough that Phil drove himself to this hospitalization yesterday and checked himself in.  Truthfully, at this point he could probably get this thing rolling on his own.


Perhaps upheaval is putting too strong of a spin on things compared to where we've been before.  You be the judge.  As Sunday evening rolled around I had Bennett with a hideous cough, Olivia who needed to go to school the next day, Phil who had to be at the hospital at 7 a.m. the next morning and only 1 of me.   Hence Phil driving himself so I could nurse Bennett and get Olivia where she needed to be.


It just so happens that we finalized plans this week to move into a new house on July 1st. Now, I need to take advantage and pack up as much as I can while Phil is in the hospital and the kids are out of the house.  It is a hard fact that on Thursday at 1 p.m.( when the kids get out of school) any sense of order and control I have managed to cultivate will be in serious jeopardy.  Thursday is also my father's 80th birthday and this Sunday is Father's Day.  My son, if he is hale enough to participate, has a baseball game on Saturday and then there are the requisite end of school parties on Wed and Th which "we can't miss Mom!".  Oh, and did I mention that my check engine light came on today?  Phil 4:13, I say again, Phil 4:13.


On the plus side,  Phil is doing GREAT!  He is feeling well so far and is tolerating the chemotherapy as well as usual for day 2, only having a few minor twinges of nausea.  I set up a MealTrain for him so we've had some lunch and dinner brought in by friends because he is literally sick of the hospital food.  During the end of his last stay he became nauseated and gagged when they brought him the last few trays so we don't even bother with them anymore.  Dr. Kossman was kind enough to write orders that allow him to eat outside food as long as his blood sugars stay steady and he's been doing so much better eating normal food!  Tonight I believe my nephew will be bringing in Goat Cheese and Arugula Pizza.  Very Nice.


Stay tuned...