You Look Mahvelous

All day yesterday I struggled with a killer migraine.  And all day yesterday Phil came through for me in ways I couldn't have imagined he'd be able to come through for me even a week ago.  He has become more and more independent and engaged every day.  Perhaps the best thing he did for me was put the kids to bed.  You know that feeling, at the end of a long day when you're tired, they're tired and all you want is for them to go to bed so you can go to bed?  He did that, all by himself.  People, that is HUGE.  Bennett alone is a whirling-dervish at bedtime and Olivia saves her histrionics for then as well so to get the two of them to bed with jammies, brushing teeth, stories, finding doggo (the essential nighttime security blanket) songs and a prayer, well-- kuddos my dear husband, kuddos.  No wonder you are still asleep as I write this at 10:15 a.m. the next morning : ).  


We had our follow visit to review the MRI with Ghosh yesterday.  As we drove there I asked Phil about his emotional life.  As you know, I've been trying to discern what goes on inside that head (and heart) of his.  I asked him how he was feeling and commented that he didn't seem to "go deep" anymore.  He agreed.  I asked him why he thought that was.  Silence.  I thought about asking him again.  More silence.  I thought about rephrasing the question.  More silence.  Now it had been at least a minute.  Maybe he hadn't heard me, maybe he'd spaced out.  Right when I was about to say something because I was running low on perspective, he spoke. He said he was searching for the right word to express what he wanted to say.  

Partly, to "go deep" was exhausting and honestly, he was tired all the time.  But it was more than that.  He just couldn't get there.  And today, he couldn't find the word he wanted to use to explain why he couldn't go there.  It was eluding him and it took too much energy to find it.  Well I guess that really sort of says it all, doesn't it?  When one can't find the words to say what one wants to say in one's thinking mind, how is one going to say it out loud?  That has got to be a monumental challenge and frustration and given everything else he's got going on, not a priority.  I'm beginning to understand. Duh Sally. 

Dr. Ghosh was quick to pull up the MRI on his computer and show us his findings.  (It's funny, I know Phil is feeling better because while we were waiting he tried to take a peek at his MRI on the computer.  I mean they were right there and he could just double click on them to blow them up.  He does after all know how to read an MRI.  So what if they're usually knee and shoulder MRI's?).  Anyway, we were shown the results and they were as we had been told. We could see the edema and the slight shift of the brain.  But Dr. Ghosh barely mentioned it.  He was all agog about how fantastic Phil looked and sounded.  He again called him an outlier and was ecstatic to see him doing so well.  He didn't want to do anything else with his treatment plan.  Whatever Phil was doing he wanted him to keep doing because he was looking so mahvelous.  In point of fact, he gave him a three week leash so to speak: no follow up until a repeat MRI in three weeks.  Yeah baby!  Less OV's (office visits)!!  

Ghosh also commented that Phil's mentation (mental function, activity of the mind) looked good. When asked he said that the blunted affect we'd been experiencing was all due to the surgery and the bi-frontal process going on from the edema.  He felt it would resolve once the edema and the hematoma from the surgery resolved and that it would be a temporary situation.  What great news!  Those of us in daily relationship have reason to hope that we will have our deep thoughts with Phil Conrad once again.  In all seriousness, we can hope and pray for a rich interior life for Phil once again, something he has always loved and lived for.  Praise God for the skilled hands of Dr. Ghosh and the serious grit and determination of Phil Conrad.

Brain Surgery

I finally fell asleep late last night despite my intention to get to bed early. Instead I spent the evening sitting bedside for several hours waiting to hear the results of a late evening CT scan. I had just finished reading Lance Armstrong's book "It's Not About the Bike" to Phil from his Kindle around 5:30 p.m. yesterday when Phil started twitching his arms and legs and squeezing my hand. This continued and increased and it became obvious that he was having a generalized seizure. He was unable to respond to me although his eyes were open. The nurses came in immediately and started taking vitals, etc and the doctors were called. In summary, it only lasted about 2 minutes and he had no lasting effects. His CT was normal and he's had none since. It was just another indicator of the infection and swelling in his brain and the need for immediate surgery.

Surgery got underway at 7:30 this morning as planned and Phil was smiling and mellow, ready for what was ahead of him, yet subdued.

By 9:45 he was finished and Dr. Ghosh came to give us his report. He had indeed found a large abscess (3cm or about 2 inches) in the frontal lobe and was able to remove all of it. In doing so he confirmed that the source of the infection in the brain came from the eye and sinus infection. Although he had wanted to identify the infectious pathology in the OR he was unable to so we won't have those results for another 2-3 days. Phil did very well in surgery and had no complications and we are all breathing a huge sigh of relief.

So, Dr. Ghosh debrided the abscess and put in a paracranial flap to increase the efficacy of the antibiotics. Phil got his titanium plate and is now a million dollar man. He will have a repeat CT scan tomorrow to see that everything is holding steady and once the pathogen(s) been identified and a plan of treatment is in place, he could come home as soon as Monday.

When he wakes up in the Medical ICU I will tell Phil how he's been covered by the prayers of hundreds. And I will tell him how God works through people like Dr. Ghosh to perform nothing short of a miracle today.

GPS Surgery

For those of you who don't live in San Diego or follow our local weather, it is hotter than Hades here. I mention it because it has added a little something to the backdrop of our lives right now. While our time together has been sweet it has also been hot and intense. Yesterday Olivia spiked a fever of 102 and this morning my stomach didn't feel so good. It was bound to happen. On top of it all, although Phil has a nice big room, "the corner office" is a full exposure room almost all day and he (and his visitors) tend to roast. An extra fan has been brought in to keep him cool. As if he hasn't got enough to deal with...

After a weekend in which I was treated to sleeping in, being cooked and cleaned for and having all my laundry done by my sister-in-law Michelle, I am back to reality and we have received the results of today's MRI.

There were many words we didn't want to hear when talking with our physicians today, but unfortunately we heard several of them. The frontal lobe process looks ominous and it appears to Dr. Ghosh the neurosurgeon that an abscess could easily be forming. In his words, if he were to send Phil home, something "catastrophic" could " blow up" at any moment that could be devastating if not "life ending". Very graphic words with a clear message.

Phil needs to have a small scale surgery to determine once and for all what the infectious source is in his frontal lobe. There is a deeper brain infection going on as well but those areas are not amenable to surgery. So at this point a biopsy/debridement will be undertaken in the frontal lobe. He will have a high falootin' GPS MRI tomorrow to place markers to use during surgery then have the actual surgery very early Wednesday morning.

On a scale of 1 to 10, Dr. Ghosh rates this a 2 - it aint nothing! We're just going to open up the braincase, remove some tissue and replace it with a small titanium plate, ok? Anyone grow up with Steve Austin, the 6 million dollar man? That'll be Phil, minus the new eye because he gets to keep his. So far that part looks stable.

Please don't take me wrong here with the humor and levity. I am scared and exhausted and wrung out and sick to my stomach. I am also hopeful, relieved to finally be doing something about that damn thing in his head, and a witness to the power of God's people in prayer. My husband is willing to undergo a surgery that carries above average risks and is only a stop-gap measure. But he's still fighting. So, I've got to find things to laugh about. There have been too many tears of late.