Thank God Jesus Was Born

WARNING: This is one of those migraine blogs. You know, maybe not my best work. Proceed with caution, I don't tend to do much editing.

I've had a particularly difficult time of it since I last posted. That sounds funny when I hear myself say it in my head because my life has been nothing but difficult for some time now but the last few days have been nothing short of horrendous. I do not write to garner sympathy and I abhor pity but I am personally wondering when this pain fest will let up. Each year, it seems, I have a new insight into the "true meaning of Christmas" and the events of the last months and days have provided me with yet another fresh perspective.

My very old dog Nero may be familiar to you from my posts or from having been around our family. He has been with me for over 17 years and was partially responsible for introducing me to Phil. I was playing ultimate frisbee with mutual friends at Duke (though we didn't know it at the time) and Nero and my Viszla, Sweet Pea ran over to Phil to say hi. Sweet Pea was a very high energy, beautiful and nutty dog and she got his attention immediately. The rest as they say is history. Nero hiked with us all over North Carolina and was a great running partner for Phil. He stuck by my side through 8 miscarriages, the miracle birth of Bennett after 8 weeks of bed rest, the adoption of Olivia from Taiwan, numerous moves, and Phil's devastating illness and death. He never licked, jumped up or ran away. He was "the Bud" to quote Phil. When Phil died Bennett just couldn't believe that a 17 (or 119 depending on your math) year old dog could outlive his dad. No kidding. I used to joke that'd I'd had Nero longer than Phil. Not funny anymore.

Anyway, I had to put Nero down yesterday. It is a long story and one that I am too wiped out emotionally and physically to go into but let's suffice it to say that it involved several weeks of medical interventions, lots of hand wringing and heartbreak. My kids were petitioning for him to remain with us like it was a death row pardon. For the first time since Phil died Bennett spoke about his feelings and frankly said, "Mom, I just can't handle any more death." What a gut punch. None of us wanted to see Nero go but I couldn't take the situation any longer ~ I was as far gone over the edge as I've ever been and I had to be the parent and do the right, hard thing. It sucked. Every minute of it. So yesterday I drove the Bud to the vet and kissed him goodbye. It was a veritable flashback to hospice with Phil and grievously painful.

And then there's today's misery. Woke up with a migraine, nausea and vomiting ~ again. [For those of you wondering, I am on two prophylactic meds including Botox and have had difficult to treat migraines for a long time.] I sent out a quick S.O.S. to my dad and we were soon off to the Urgent Care. They were very kind to me and I was treated fairly quickly. Unfortunately I was stuck 4 times for an I.V. because I was so dehydrated. I am blessed beyond with such caring parents who came and took care of me all day then took my kids for an overnight at their place so I could conk out. A bright spot amid the ruins!

Well, I said I'd been thinking about the "true meaning of Christmas" but to be honest, I think it's more that I have come to see the true NEED for Christmas. Like Bennett, I can't handle any more death either. Or migraines, or hassles, or brokenness in our world. Let me up I've had enough. But there is no end to it is there? My 7 year old daughter wants her dad back and doesn't have the brain power yet to really understand why he can't come back. She can't fathom why God wouldn't want to send him back here to make us all happy again. And my son would rather I stop crying altogether so he won't have to come anywhere near his own grief.

When you think about it, our world is full of days like today and yesterday for people everywhere and I am not anyone special. I just blog about it. There are stories much worse than mine. Mine hurts because it's mine but we all hurt and we all needed Jesus to be born.


From Amy Grant

We believe in God
And we all need Jesus
'Cause life is hard
And it might not get easier
But don't be afraid
To know who you are
Don't be afraid to show it
If you believe in God
If you say you need Jesus
He'll be where you are
And he never will leave you
Sing to me now words that are true
So all in this place can know it...