Together Again

I've returned from Washington and am ready for whatever comes next.


It never ceases to amaze me what a healing effect time spent with people who truly know me has on my well being.  My peeps in Washington have walked so many miles with me - they literally prayed our kids into existence with me, saw me through painful, ugly times and then celebrated and partied with me like it was 1999 when those times passed.  It was balm for this gal's weary soul just to BE with them.  It didn't matter what we eventually ended up doing because it was the being with them that mattered.  Of course it didn't hurt that we went shopping and bought new shoes and outfits, went boating and drank cocktails at the lake, took my kids inner-tubing and wake boarding, explored my girlfriend's garden and saw all the plants I'd given her flourishing under her care and just sat around going deep in conversation. It didn't hurt that I walked right into their closets and pantries like no time had passed, borrowed what I needed, our daughter's swapped clothes daily, and life picked up right were it left off.  I stepped into my old life from my current life which up until now hadn't felt like much of one.


It's funny though, I was tired A LOT while I was there and remarked to myself that the pace we were running at wasn't that fast, in fact it was a normal pace for the "old" me.  It's just that down in San Diego, we don't do that much socially and I was out of shape and practice.  It was informative and telling.  By the time we left I realized that the kids and I were ready to return to our quieter lifestyle.  The life we live here is slower and less social due to the constraints of Phil's cancer and the limitations it puts on all of us.  Still, Phil and I have purposefully hunkered down and drawn close together, choosing to spend our energy on our Conrad quartet, creating memories and influencing the kids' character for the long run.


While in Washington, I overheard someone remark about how much I'd changed since the last time she'd seen me.  Being a woman I wondered if she thought I looked tired.  Older and run down?  Or was it because on that particular occasion I'd only paid a little attention to my hair and make up when in the old days I'd have been totally put together?  In the end it didn't really matter because it was all true.  I am tired and I am older and I am run down.  I don't spend much time on my hair and make up and in fact, I cut my hair short in Washington so I don't have to style it all the time.  At first I felt really sad at this remark, and that feeling does come and go from time to time but then I remind myself of what I truly care about - my kids, the memories we're creating and their character.  I don't want them caring about what my hair looks like or whether my make up is totally put together or not.  I'm more interested in the moment and in the healing effect of just being together.  We seem to have found that in the slower pace of our quartet for now.  Going back to my old life showed me that.  How strange and how refreshing that was to learn.