The Land Between

We are in The Land Between.  Phil is in remission but he's facing more chemo.  He's ready to go back to work but not really able.  We are ready to enter into full-fledged living and a social life but we're just not quite there yet.  We'd love to buy a house instead of pouring all our money into rent but that's probably several years away.  Phil's hair is growing back but he's just going to lose it again in a few weeks.  The "Cancer Chronicles" go on.


This past Sunday we visited a new church (Journey Community Church) and were surprised by the sermon - it wasn't given by the pastor but was from last year's Global Leadership Summit titled, "The Land Between" by Jeff Manion.  Journey will be sponsoring the summit here in San Diego and were giving a preview of what is to come in August.  Well, you know when a sermon seems preached just for your situation?  This one had Sally and Phil Conrad written all over it but certainly could have been for anyone going through a trial, enduring any type of suffering or difficulty, or just plain hurting.  Know anyone like that?  Know anyone breathing? 


The Land Between referenced the story of the Israelites taken out of slavery and into the promised land (which is importantly described as "flowing with milk and honey").  Instead, they wander the Sinai Desert, discouraged, depressed and angry for 40 years.  God provided them manna to eat three times a day, every day and eventually the people were about to riot!  The Land Between is fertile ground for complaints. Moses, the leader of these people prayed to be relieved of duty because it was so horrible.  The Land Between is fertile ground for meltdown.  But God heard his cry for help and provided others to shoulder the burden.  The Land Between is fertile for God's mercy and provision.


Prior to moving to CA, there were a few years during which I struggled mightily with God's goodness and whether he even listened to the prayers of his people.  I had a questioning and rebellious heart.  Where did he go when I was in The Land Between then, huh?  Those "40 years" were damn long and very painful indeed. I believed in God then yes, but I didn't really BELIEVE God.  Didn't believe He'd do what He said He'd do.   And before that, from 1995 to 2004 when I lost a total of 8 pregnancies?  That was definitely The Land Between, the wilderness of sorrow, pain and loss. Watching my friends get pregnant and grow big bellies and deliver and celebrate Mother's Day.  That hurt for 7 years before our son Bennett was born.  After 3 more miscarriages we adopted Olivia from Taiwan. Going through the process of adoption and feeling the losses and suffering and sacrifice of a birth mother broke my heart in yet another way and I learned that God always answers prayers, just not always in the way or timing you expect.  He wastes nothing and no experience for our benefit, hard as that is to handle sometimes.  So, I'm a repeat offender at complaining, meltdowns and mistrusting God.


And now.  For 10 months now I am in The Land Between again, along with some people very dear to me.  Fortunately I have finally learned a few things and God has been patient with me.  This time through I am clinging to God's grace and mercy as He provides for our needs and gives us shoulders to carry our burden.  Amazingly, in God-style, He has done this despite my complaining and my occasional meltdowns and my wondering when it will all end.  The difference this time? No riotous heart.  That is a complete waste of time and besides it takes too much energy.


Phil and I are on a cusp and we can feel it.  We are so anxious to be done with this whole chapter and move on to the Promised Land.  But we also know that we have to go through our paces. He has to finish chemotherapy and suffer the slings and arrows of that particular torment and I have to sit patiently by and continue to tread water (suffering the slings and arrows of THAT particular torment).  We BOTH went through the aforementioned trials together and know enough about God's character to know He can be trusted.  He has seen Phil through this trial so far and must have some incredible plans for him.  He must also have a great rental in mind for us because we clearly haven't found it yet! 


In the past God has given us the capacity to do without more and this just may be one of those times.  Maybe it's strength to endure.  Who knows?  But I do know The Land Between has been fertile for Transformative Growth and that is always welcome.